Holiday parties are awkward enough. Be it the creation of a sadistic office boss intent on forcing you to spend even more time with him or over eager neighbor down the street, it’s generally a group of people who are vaguely connected through a very thin common thread. Otherwise, this group would never freely choose to spend any amount of time together in a relatively confined space. These parties have almost become more of a cliched social event that is more of an obligation to adhere to expectations.
While some lucky folks out there are natural born “Chatty Cathys” who can conjure a conversation from thin air, most of us are not. But – there’s hope! No longer will you be an awkward wallflower, taking the occasional sip of weak eggnog and rationing out your conversational bits about the weather. I can’t tell you enough times, nobody wants to talk about the weather. Nobody. Do you want to rehash something everyone in the room is experiencing five times over to five different groups? That’s not a rhetorical question. Enter: myself and my sparkling conversational starter pack. We all need something to be thankful for this holiday season and may I say, “You’re welcome.”
While most rational people who value personal space and safety would tell you to avoid the most divisive subject of the year and perhaps the last 10, I say plunge right in! No regrets this holiday season. Clearly, everyone’s misguided minds will be changed once your point of view is introduced. But the emails!!! Your eardrum may get blown out from a shouting match or you may find your tires mysteriously slashed upon trying to drive home, but you could alienate an entire room of people in one fell swoop and get the result you really wanted. (The ability to make an Irish exit to race home and put your flannel jammies on, sipping on your own eggnog and cry while watching Rachel Maddow. No? Just me? Okay.)
In keeping with courting controversy, who better to continue the highly uncomfortable and tension filled party than the king himself, Kanye “Racism is Over” West. While debating his humble nature may be a moot point – combatively comparing himself to Michelangelo and naming his son Saint makes it slightly challenging – but the man did spawn 8 wildly successful albums, a relatively successful clothing line, and his shoe collection has a fanatical following. The best part is there is a glorious intersection of the above mentioned subject and in the current one as Kanye expressed support for The Donald and recently visited the Trump Tower in NYC. Their joint mix-tape,”808’s and Tax Breaks” is expected to drop in early 2017.
What better venue than an office or neighborhood holiday party to let everyone know about your foray into Scientology? Or take the opportunity to debrief the good folks about your journey into Kabbalah or Church of Euthanasia. Much like politics, dissenting opinions exist only because they haven’t had the pleasure of hearing your side of things. Little did they know, the education they are about to receive will be life changing. To ensure you’re heard, make sure you’re the one who’s shouting the loudest. You’re not here to make friends, you’re here to put in the obligatory hour and a half before you can leave without catching too much guff. Back off, Jan! I’ve read the Bible—twice!
I’m happy to have provided you with some real firecrackers of conversation topics. In case these don’t inspire ideas of arson and playing hop scotch on the 110 Southbound during rush hour, also feel free to let everyone know your opinion on marriage equality, Roe v. Wade, and the death penalty. If those fail—hey, how ‘bout those Cowboys?